I’m so confused.

I recently read two short stories that made me think about my life. The first is the well-known “The Rich Brother” by Tobias Wolff, and the second one is titled “Sonny’s Blues” by James Baldwin. For those who don’t know, both are stories about the struggle between two brothers. In both stories, the older brother is financially successful, with a stable job and a family, while the younger is more of a free spirit, with no money and also no obligations, seeking out the more spiritual side of life. The older brother tries to help the other get on his feet, but the younger brother seems not to care if he does or not, because money and stability are not things that interest him.

The two brothers in these stories have a difficult time understanding each other because while the older brother cannot understand why the younger one just won’t settle down and work like everyone else, the younger brother cannot understand why his older sibling cares so much about money and stability, and how he can be content with just making money and having no purpose in his life.

These stories are so great to me because I think they are both perfect illustrations of what so many of us struggle with. How do we balance out our desire for security with our desire for freedom? To what extent is our happiness or our feeling of meaning in our life at the mercy of our real or perceived obligations? I think that these questions are at the core of every major decision we make in our life.

For some it may be easy to figure out what they want for life, but if you’re like me, you may feel trapped. There are so many questions to be asked, and I have no answers. Or perhaps I have too many. What if I make the wrong decision?

I have this constant battle raging in my head as my desires clash with my responsibilities, and it’s just this big confusing headache that won’t go away. I wonder why I live the life I do… why did I bind myself to this endless routine of class and work and sleep and class and work and sleep… over and over again. Why is it that I’m doing nothing now that I ever wanted to do for my entire life? My whole life has become about responsibility and securing my future, while I feel depressed and unfulfilled, far away from all those that love me, with my back turned on everything I ever cared about because those things aren’t “practical”. Am I so wrapped up in my responsibilities that I’m missing out on something so much better?

I know that money and happiness are not the same, but it’s really not just about money. Its other things. Do I want to get married, have a family and spend most of my life in the same place, or do I want to travel the world, experience new things, and feel freedom? Do I major in something I love, or in something practical? The truth is that I want ALL of these things, but I’m not sure it’s possible.

Maybe it’s just the way I was brought up that leaves me so confused. Living in 18 different houses, going to different schools, having an unconventional family who I love deeply…maybe if I had had a conventional life I wouldn’t have to ask… I’m not sure. I hope though that I can find a balance in my life between what I want and what I need, because we only have one life to live, and I don’t want to miss out. I just keep going back to these stories and thinking… which brother got it right?  The obvious choice may be the older brother, but if you look closely you can see his discontent, the kind that comes from a life without meaning.

Some thoughts on love and friendship

We spend so much time seeking love from people that we turn our back on the ones that love us already.  

I’ve been thinking about this. I’ve spent a lot of time recently feeling lonely. I’ve spent a lot of time feeling scared, because I feel alone. Perhaps I’m not alone, and I’m actually just choosing to overlook the people I have in my life.

It can be frustrating when you care about someone who doesn’t reciprocate the feeling. It’s easy to sit around and pine over someone who isn’t fulfilling whatever fantasy you had about them, whether its friendship, a relationship, or some other kind of connection. But the fact of the matter is that you can’t control the way other people envision you in their own life fantasies, if they do at all.

I’ve learned recently that dwelling on something you can’t have gets you nowhere. Instead, maybe we should all turn around and embrace the people we already have in our life, the ones that already love us. I’m not saying I’m going to close myself off to new connections, but I’m not going to let my desire for one person’s love interfere with the possibilities of another’s. We are all selling ourselves short if we believe that our happiness is affected by our ability to get something out of someone who doesn’t want to give it to us.

So what I’m saying is that there is no need to be disappointed in anyone, and no need to feel incompetent in some way if someone doesn’t see you the way you hoped they would. There are plenty of people out there who care about you, but you have to open your eyes to see them. Maybe there is even someone there who is yearning for you the way you are yearning for someone else. I heard the quote once that “happiness often sneaks in through a door you didn’t know you left open”, and I believe it’s true. We all need to relax, and stop trying to control everything and everyone in our lives, and stop setting expectations for people that nobody can live up to.

 

My right to live

I would just like to take a moment to reflect on something that is debated over and over again… but shouldn’t be: the right to be healthy, and in some cases, the right to live.

Why is it, that in one of the most developed and powerful countries in the world, a young girl (who loves her family, works full time, does well in school, and PAYS TAXES), is denied treatment when she is diagnosed with cancer? I can’t even fathom what the assholes in the White House, (and all those that agree with them) could be thinking when they say they don’t support it. 

And people ask me why I’m a liberal. It’s not because I’m an “out-of-touch-with-reality hippie” who believes in free love and world peace for all. Contrary to popular belief, I don’t burn American flags or listen to “Imagine” by John Lennon over and over again. (No offense, John Lennon, you’re awesome.) It’s because I believe that every human being has the right to a happy and HEALTHY life.

This doesn’t make me a communist or socialist, or whatever the conservatives call us when talking about universal healthcare. Denmark, Finland, France, Germany, Greece, Italy, the Netherlands, New Zealand, Spain, Sweden, Ireland, and the United Kingdom all have some form of universal health care. And they are hardly communists.

And that’s not all… Argentina, Austria, Australia, Belgium, Brazil, Canada, Chile, China, Cuba, Costa Rica, Cyprus, Iceland, Israel, Luxembourg, Oman, Portugal, Russia, Saudi Arabia, South Korea, Sri Lanka, Ukraine, Japan, Iraq, Afghanistan…should I keep going?

Can anyone tell me where the United States ranks among other industrialized countries in health care? 12^th place. In just 18 years we have fallen from 2^nd  to 12^th place in healthcare. Our infant mortality rate alone is closer to that of Cuba’s. We come in at 34^th place. And life expectancy? Forget about it… 42^nd place. And the worst part about this is that we are still dropping.

I’ve been trying in earnest to find a good (widely accepted) insurance company to take me on. But it’s nearly impossible. If you are a female, and you have a preexisting condition, most insurance companies want upwards of 300 dollars a month, and hardly anything is included. And when things are supposed to be included, you often get billed for them anyway. For example, the last time I went to the doctor, I paid the copay, and since it was a pretty standard visit, everything should have been included. But then, two weeks later, I received a bill for nearly 300 dollars, and a letter from my insurance company claiming they had found “certain uncovered aspects”… whatever that means. So there you go. Our health care system is so screwed up that people actually get paid to REFUSE help to someone who needs it. HAS THE WORLD GONE COMPLETELY MAD?

I just don’t understand the mentality of those that care so little. I mean, hello people…. What if you were in this situation? Would you still believe that universal health care is evil if you had a fatal disease and couldn’t get treatment? In kindergarten we learn that it’s important to try and put yourself in someone else’s shoes. That is a skill that we should all have learned at one point or another. SO DO IT. I know I have. I’ve tried to put myself in the shoes of the privileged politicians that don’t believe I should have a chance. And you know what? If I were them, I’d be ashamed of myself.

 

 

 

A Little Bit Of Myself…

For my first blog entry, I figured I would share a little something that I’ve been thinking about recently. I share this as a way to introduce myself, because this is something I believe in wholeheartedly, and thus defines the way I perceive my life.

A couple weeks ago I experienced something that reaffirmed my beliefs. I was on my break from work where I was scheduled for an eight hour shift, I did not feel good, and I was hungry. I walked into a gas station nearby to grab some food and realized I had forgotten to bring my money. I counted out about 70 cents and asked the man behind the counter if he had anything for sale that I could buy with that. It turned out that he didn’t.

“Ok”, I said, “sorry.” And I began to walk out, disappointed that I wouldn’t be able to eat anything all day.

The man comes out from behind the counter and tells me to wait. He then proceeds to tell me I could pick out anything I wanted. When I hesitantly grabbed a granola bar he just shook his head and said that it would not do. He gave me a sandwich and a bottle of juice, and said, “Pay me back whenever you can, I’m here every day.”  I thanked him profusely and he simply said, “It’s no problem, people have helped me out before so now I will help you. That is just the way the world works.”

I walked out of that store feeling a million times better. A complete stranger had made my day. I believe in the innate goodness of human beings. I believe that because of this, it is important to approach life with the theory that everyone deserves kindness, whether or not they give you the same, and that every human being deserves the benefit of the doubt. I think that we often underestimate the power we have to make a stranger’s life a little better.

I came to believe this through my encounters with many people in the world. Perhaps it was because I was brought up in a sheltered place, where I didn’t have to worry about dangerous people or con-men. But in the last couple of years I have lived in many different environments, and I find that no matter where I go people are people. And for the most part, they are good.

 I worked in a bakery in a not-so-good area of Hartford, and there were all kinds of people that would come in there, many of whom would be considered by our society to be “scum.” I remember when I had first started working there, my coworkers warned me about this homeless lady they hated, who would always come in with about 50 cents asking for free food or discounts. She was always refused, and would respond by making a scene until the shop owner or someone else threw her out. One day while I was there by myself she came into the shop with her usual routine. This time though, since it was a really hot day I gave her a free cup of ice water and a donut. She just looked at me, completely astonished, and then went outside and ate it in the sunlight. She looked so happy. From then on, she would come in and we would repeat a similar routine, and she would bring me money whenever she had it. We ended up chatting about life and I learned that she was not only a kind person, but intelligent as well, and it was her circumstances that forced her to act that way.

Another time I realized that a little kindness goes a long way, was when I was working in a restaurant in Avon. I was hosting on a busy night and we were running about an hour wait for tables when a grumpy old man came in. He insisted that he skip the other names on the list and that we would seat him immediately. When we explained that we couldn’t do that, he proceeded to tell us that we were incompetent. When he finally did get a seat, he didn’t like it. It went on like this the entire time he was there, until nobody wanted anything to do with him. But as he was leaving, I noticed that he was having trouble walking so I helped out of the restaurant and to the car. He didn’t say anything about it, but simply got into his car and drove off. You never know how your kindness is going to influence others, because the next day he showed up at the restaurant with a bouquet of flowers, and told me he had really appreciated what I had done for him. He also apologized for the night before, confessing that he had been having a bad day, and had chosen to take it out on us.

Most people will appreciate the kind words of a stranger, even if it takes them a while. I’m not saying that I’m changing the world. But what harm could it do?  A smile from a stranger is more powerful than we give it credit. And I believe that most people want to do the right thing. Don’t believe me? Consider the various cases of people that find a lot of money and return it, or people that donate to charity, or start organizations to feed the homeless. Or even just the kind gas station owner that will help out a hungry girl because she was careless and forgot her money. I believe that if we all approach life with an attitude of general regard for humanity, this world can be a million times better.