Alone.

Well today I’m sick. I’m sick because I have to be sick to kill what’s inside me, before it makes me sicker. I came home from the hospital feeling like a bomb had been dropped inside my body. The walk from my car to my door felt like hours. And as if I don’t feel vulnerable enough, I was trying to do it on crutches, so the whole scenario was completely ridiculous. I meant to do my homework, I really did, but as I was sitting there in my apartment, trying to read that book for class, the words just blurred together, and it was like all I could see in the pages was my own sad desperation.

And then it happened. I was sitting there in my apartment alone, and I felt it coming. It was as if suddenly the whole world had come crashing down upon me and I realized how alone I am. It started with one tear and then suddenly I was sobbing, sobbing like I did six years ago, the way I have never done since. For hours I just sat there sobbing, holding the blanket tightly around my body like it was the only thing that could protect me from the world. I cried until I had nothing left, and then cried some more.

It wasn’t until I had nothing left to wash out of me that I realized: maybe I can’t do this after all. Maybe I’m not as tough as I thought I was. I felt like I was drowning. I’m 20 years old… twenty. I’m twenty years old and I’m all alone battling this horrible disease by myself, and maybe I can’t do it. I’m absolutely terrified. I don’t even know how to express the feelings I’m having, I just know that they need to come out before I explode again. The last six months or so have been lonely, disappointing, and eye-opening for me. If you ever want to find out who your friends are, get diagnosed with something serious and see how many run for cover. It will be more than you think. Every disappointment hangs over my head like a death sentence. I’m so afraid of being let down at this point that I’m afraid to even entertain the idea of something good happening. This really isn’t going anywhere right now, but I needed to say it. I’m scared, and I’m lonely, and I’m lost. I don’t know where I can go from here.

A dose of positivity.

Since I’ve been focusing on some negative things on here lately, I figured I’d add some positive energy. Rather than writing about all the stuff that bothers me, here is a list of the 10 things I love the most, in no particular order.

 

I love music, especially dancing to it.

I love the simplicity of animals, because they make me feel at peace.

I love hugs and being close to people.

I love it when the sun shines down through a cloudy day.

I love to create things.

I love the smell of vanilla and spices and fresh baked bread. And the smell of my shampoo when I let my hair down after it’s been up all day.

I love it when you smile, and even more when I’m the cause of your smile.

I love that exhilarating feeling you get when you’ve done something you were afraid to do, or accomplished something you didn’t think you could.

I love it when people of different backgrounds are brought together by a common belief, or a common love for something.

I love to look for the good in people, especially when I find it.

 

…Those are the first ten things I thought of, what about you?

I can do this.

Why have you built your city of death inside me, multiplying and expanding, trying to conquer this beautiful being, only to turn it to ash? Why do you bring this war upon my body, destroying this beautiful vessel?  But then I think, didn’t you come from somewhere within me? Are you in fact an army I built myself? Since I was born perhaps, you lay dormant inside me, ready to destroy. How could it be that God could create such a beautiful being, just to have it destroy itself?

Did I deserve this somehow? Am I not worth enough to keep around? I can be better. I can prove that I’m worth something. I can do good things, things that you or He would not want to destroy. Is this a lesson? What do I need to learn that I didn’t learn the first time? I understand that I am blessed with the life I have been given. He has shown me that already.  But there must be more for me to learn, otherwise He wouldn’t visit you upon me again.

Well I can promise you, if you want to fight, if you think you’re going to conquer my body, I’ll bring my army of doctors and pills and determination, and I will defeat you. And this time I will destroy you for good. I’m waiting for you, so bring it on.

Men are not from Mars… they’re just dumb… and we are even dumber.

Between my own heartaches and the recent ones of some of my friends (male and female), I’ve come to a general conclusion. Most of these problems can be avoided, if men just understood three very simple things about women:

1.      Women want to be pursued. If we have to chase you, it makes us feel undesirable. We do not like to feel undesirable, especially when there are other men that are very good at making us feel desirable.  

2.      We expect you to get it. If you think we may be hinting at something… we are….AND we’re assuming you got it, even though you probably didn’t.

3.      We say things we don’t mean when we are afraid of getting hurt. These include things like “Maybe we should be just friends.” or “It’s no big deal.” or “I don’t think we should see each other.” And the best part about this is… we secretly hope you’ll see through it, and (back to # 1…) realize we want you to pursue us.

 

It’s quite simple.

 

And women: Hello. Standards. We would avoid so much pain and suffering if we just had better standards…. a.k.a…

1.      Don’t pursue a guy that makes you feel undesirable. This includes someone who keeps you waiting constantly, someone who “isn’t sure” if they want to be with you or not, someone who doesn’t make you a priority, someone who brushes off your feelings as irrelevant, etc.

2.      Do not, do NOT ever pursue a relationship with someone who makes you feel like you need to change who you are to be good enough for them.

3.      No married men. Or taken men. Or for that matter, not even men that are in love with another woman. That can only end badly.

4.      Don’t date a man who consumes a level of drugs and/or alcohol that makes you uncomfortable.

5.      And finally, stop giving second, third, and fourth chances to a guy that cheats on you. Just stop. It’s not as hard as you think. He doesn’t love you. Just stop.

 

That is all. I had to get it off my chest. Hopefully it’s not offensive to anybody, especially if you’re one of the friends mentioned above. It’s not personal. Well it may be a little, but not to you. So just in case, I apologize in advance. I wrote it mostly as a reminder to myself anyway.